alcoholic beverage breakdown
I had a disturbing exchange with a high school-aged person today that prompted this…
- Beer, wine, mead, and cider are fermented beverages.
- Mead is made from honey.
- Cider is made from apples.
- Beer is made from grains.
- Beer tastes like beer because they flavor it with hops.
- They used to flavor beer with dandelions.
- Ain’t that cute?
- All beer is either ale or lager.
- Ale is fermented at room temperature.
- Lager is brewed and store cold.
- Barleywine, bitter, porter, and stout are ales.
- Pilsner and bock are lagers.
- Most of the crap people drink in America is pale lager.
- Mosft of the crap people drink in Ireland is dry stout.
- Butterbeer isn’t real.
- (Except actually I think it is, and I heard it tastes like cream soda)
- Miruvor isn’t real, either, but it probably would taste like squash.
- Ent-draught isn’t real, either, but shit, it would be awesome if it were.
- Wine is made from fermented fruit juice, usually grapes.
- Red wine is made from red grapes.
- White wine is made from green grapes.
- The name of the grape is the name of the wine (Chardonnay, Pinot Noir, Cabernet Sauvignon, and Merlot are all varieties of grape)
- Unless you live in France.
- In which case, the name of the place supersedes the name of the grape.
- (for example: Burgundies are made in Burgundy, France, but Burgundy wine can be Pinot Noir or Chardonnay)
- Champagne is any sparkling white wine.
- However, Champagne can also be wine that comes from Champagne, France.
- Drink red wine with beef. Drink white wine with fish.
- Act like it tastes good.
- Keep a Diet Coke in your bag for later.
- You’ll be fine.
- Brandy is distilled wine.
- Cognac is brandy aged in oak barrels.
- Don’t fuck around with the French about their cognac.
- Fortified wine is wine with added alcohol.
- Sherry is fortified white wine made in Spain.
- Port is fortified red wine made in Portugal.
- Vermouth is fortified white wine plus grape spirits.
- Sweet vermouth has added sugar.
- Dry vermouth has added spices like nutmeg.
- Liquors are distilled spirits that contain ethanol.
- Liqueurs are liquors that have sugar and flavors added.
- Liquors can be made from grains, fruits, or vegetables.
- Grain alcohol is liquor made from grains. Duh.
- Gin, Vodka, and Whisky are grain alcohols.
- Vodka is grain alcohol and water.
- Be careful with vodka. Homemade vodka is poisonous.
- Gin is (basically vodka) flavored with juniper berries.
- Absinthe is (basically gin) flavored with anise.
- Whisky is grain alcohol aged in wood barrels.
- Malt whisky is made from barley.
- Grain whisky is made from all the other grains.
- Scotch is whisky made in Scotland.
- Bourbon is Kentucky whisky mostly made from corn.
- Don’t fuck around with the Scottish.
- Don’t fuck around with people from Kentucky, either.
- Tequila is liquor made from the blue agave plant.
- Rum is liquor made from sugarcane.
- Schnapps is liquor made from fruit “must” (smashed fruit that still contains seeds and skins).
- American schnapps is grain alcohol mixed with fruit flavors and sugar syrup.
- Drink apple schnapps only while playing Tekken 2.
- Sake is rice wine that’s brewed like beer. Or something.
- Avoid these cocktails: Grog, Long Island Iced Tea, Manhattan, Dark and Stormy, Jack and Coke, Piña Colada, Scorpion. They contain huge amounts of alcohol and/or a huge number of calories. That Long Island Ice Tea is the worst motherfucker of the bunch. Just avoid them. Have a lemon drop martini instead.
- Don’t drink on an empty stomach or you’ll puke.
- Don’t drink too fast or you’ll puke.
- Avoid Long Island Iced Teas. Like I said.
- Don’t drink and drive because you might kill my Mom. You fuckers.
- If your friend has had too much to drink and needs to crash, make sure she’s lying on her side so she doesn’t choke on her own vomit.
- Don’t leave a drunk friend alone.
- Passing out is a sign of being severely goddamn sick. If someone drinks and passes out? They are dying right now. Call 9-1-1.
- If you are drunk, don’t drink coffee or caffeine to get sober. Sip cold water and nibble some saltine crackers.
- Don’t be a fucking idiot. Don’t smash my mailbox.
- Really, do you need to drink?
- You probably don’t.
- But now you know some stuff. Maybe.
I need this for… uh reasons…..
I just find all of this really interesting.