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  • alcoholic beverage breakdown




    I had a disturbing exchange with a high school-aged person today that prompted this…

    • Beer, wine, mead, and cider are fermented beverages.
    • Mead is made from honey.
    • Cider is made from apples.
    • Beer is made from grains.
    • Beer tastes like beer because they flavor it with hops.
    • They used to flavor beer with dandelions.
    • Ain’t that cute?
    • All beer is either ale or lager.
    • Ale is fermented at room temperature.
    • Lager is brewed and store cold.
    • Barleywine, bitter, porter, and stout are ales.
    • Pilsner and bock are lagers.
    • Most of the crap people drink in America is pale lager.
    • Mosft of the crap people drink in Ireland is dry stout.
    • Butterbeer isn’t real.
    • (Except actually I think it is, and I heard it tastes like cream soda)
    • Miruvor isn’t real, either, but it probably would taste like squash.
    • Ent-draught isn’t real, either, but shit, it would be awesome if it were.
    • Wine is made from fermented fruit juice, usually grapes.
    • Red wine is made from red grapes.
    • White wine is made from green grapes.
    • The name of the grape is the name of the wine (Chardonnay, Pinot Noir, Cabernet Sauvignon, and Merlot are all varieties of grape)
    • Unless you live in France.
    • In which case, the name of the place supersedes the name of the grape.
    • (for example: Burgundies are made in Burgundy, France, but Burgundy wine can be Pinot Noir or Chardonnay)
    • Champagne is any sparkling white wine.
    • However, Champagne can also be wine that comes from Champagne, France.
    • Drink red wine with beef. Drink white wine with fish.
    • Act like it tastes good. 
    • Keep a Diet Coke in your bag for later.
    • You’ll be fine.
    • Brandy is distilled wine.
    • Cognac is brandy aged in oak barrels.
    • Don’t fuck around with the French about their cognac.
    • Fortified wine is wine with added alcohol.
    • Sherry is fortified white wine made in Spain.
    • Port is fortified red wine made in Portugal.
    • Vermouth is fortified white wine plus grape spirits.
    • Sweet vermouth has added sugar.
    • Dry vermouth has added spices like nutmeg.
    • Liquors are distilled spirits that contain ethanol.
    • Liqueurs are liquors that have sugar and flavors added.
    • Liquors can be made from grains, fruits, or vegetables.
    • Grain alcohol is liquor made from grains. Duh.
    • Gin, Vodka, and Whisky are grain alcohols.
    • Vodka is grain alcohol and water.
    • Be careful with vodka. Homemade vodka is poisonous.
    • Gin is (basically vodka) flavored with juniper berries.
    • Absinthe is (basically gin) flavored with anise.
    • Whisky is grain alcohol aged in wood barrels.
    • Malt whisky is made from barley.
    • Grain whisky is made from all the other grains.
    • Scotch is whisky made in Scotland.
    • Bourbon is Kentucky whisky mostly made from corn.
    • Don’t fuck around with the Scottish.
    • Don’t fuck around with people from Kentucky, either.
    • Tequila is liquor made from the blue agave plant.
    • Rum is liquor made from sugarcane.
    • Schnapps is liquor made from fruit “must” (smashed fruit that still contains seeds and skins).
    • American schnapps is grain alcohol mixed with fruit flavors and sugar syrup.
    • Drink apple schnapps only while playing Tekken 2.
    • Sake is rice wine that’s brewed like beer. Or something.
    • Avoid these cocktails: Grog, Long Island Iced Tea, Manhattan, Dark and Stormy, Jack and Coke, Piña Colada, Scorpion. They contain huge amounts of alcohol and/or a huge number of calories. That Long Island Ice Tea is the worst motherfucker of the bunch. Just avoid them. Have a lemon drop martini instead.
    • Don’t drink on an empty stomach or you’ll puke.
    • Don’t drink too fast or you’ll puke.
    • Avoid Long Island Iced Teas. Like I said.
    • Don’t drink and drive because you might kill my Mom. You fuckers.
    • If your friend has had too much to drink and needs to crash, make sure she’s lying on her side so she doesn’t choke on her own vomit. 
    • Don’t leave a drunk friend alone.
    • Passing out is a sign of being severely goddamn sick. If someone drinks and passes out? They are dying right now. Call 9-1-1. 
    • If you are drunk, don’t drink coffee or caffeine to get sober. Sip cold water and nibble some saltine crackers.
    • Don’t be a fucking idiot. Don’t smash my mailbox.
    • Really, do you need to drink? 
    • You probably don’t.
    • But now you know some stuff. Maybe.

    I need this for… uh reasons…..

    I just find all of this really interesting.

    (via mucusqueen)

  • #does that make me odd?      

    July 3, 2012

    2 years ago

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